You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Read online

  2. GEORGE WASHINGTON

  Plenty of people know George Washington as the Father of Our Country, but few people know—and this is, perhaps, more important—just how similar he was in behavior to the Incredible Hulk.

  As described by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington “was naturally irritable,” and when his temper “broke its bonds, he was most tremendous in his wrath.” One time, in fact, he became “much inflamed [and] got into one of those passions when he cannot command himself.” Witnesses agreed that after these sudden bursts of rage, Washington generally became calm and amiable again. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone incredible, perhaps? The Iroquois Indians affectionately nicknamed Washington Caunotaucarius, which translates to something like Town Destroyer or Devourer of Villages. We were really hoping it translated to One Who (When Angry) You Will Not Like so we’d have more evidence for this whole Incredible Hulk thing, but Town Destroyer is pretty cool too, we guess.

  Washington wasn’t just a shirt-ripping comic book character waiting to happen, he was also an amazing general and, possibly, totally invincible. Washington was always at the front line in any of the many battles he took part in, and there are countless stories of Washington returning from battle with bullet holes in his uniform or without a horse (it having been shot out from under him), but he always remained unharmed. In a letter to his brother, he described being surrounded by bullets and death and concluded by saying, “I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets.” When he caught news of this, George III reportedly remarked that Washington’s attitude would change if he heard a few more. Washington went on to hear hundreds more and to rout King George’s army in a war.

  Greatest display of badassery: Making America.

  1. THEODORE ROOSEVELT

  Checking Teddy Roosevelt’s resume is like reading a how-to guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, assistant secretary of the navy, governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all his jobs, hobbies, and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the First U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the “riders” made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill.

  And don’t think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president. He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, even though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn’t like he needed it.

  It wasn’t just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn’t even the fact that he decorated the White House with African lions and a bear he’d personally killed. Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride twenty-five miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for a hundred miles, from sunrise to sunset, at fifty-one years old, effectively rescinding anyone’s right to complain about anything, ever again.

  Did we mention he had asthma when growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma’s raw flesh and ran a hundred straight miles off the energy it gave him.

  Greatest display of badassery: While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. At the time of Roosevelt’s death, a fellow politician noted: “Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight.”

  We have no witty commentary here. That is just straight-up badass.

  FIVE FAMOUS ARTISTS WHO DIDN’T CREATE THEIR SIGNATURE CREATION

  A signature achievement is typically considered a stand-alone moment, epitomizing all that is worthwhile, unique, and memorable in one’s career, or at least a defining work that sets a standard in its field. For Hemingway, it was The Sun Also Rises, for Stanley Kubrick it was 2001, and for Radiohead it was OK Computer (Shut up! It was OK Computer). But what happens when—either by public misperception or private manipulation—simply too much credit is given for a signature work? Not much, actually, but it makes a tidy little list.

  5. TIM BURTON DID NOT DIRECT TIM BURTON’S THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

  Ask anyone what their favorite Tim Burton movie is and they’ll tell you Edward Scissorhands. But roll your eyes, and say, “Yeah, besides that,” and they’ll probably say The Nightmare Before Christmas. The stop-motion animation managed to capture Burton’s quirky, dark vision and the imagination of mainstream audiences, proving once and for all that Tim Burton was no one-hit wonder as a director and that he could in fact do it in different mediums.

  Well, except that it didn’t do any of those things. It would have if Tim Burton had directed Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas. While he produced it and wrote the poem it was based on, Henry Selick of James and the Giant Peach was tapped for the actual directorial duties.

  Why didn’t you know that?

  When you put your name in the title of something, people just kind of make assumptions. And just like the rest of Burton’s movies, it’s dark and creepy, with great moments and horrible plot and pacing problems. Plus, it’s unlikely you knew Henry Selick’s name at the time. The studio made the rational decision to go with the name you’d heard before.

  It worked out pretty well for everyone except Selick, whose name you probably still don’t recognize. His biggest achievement subsequently has been directing Neil Gaiman’s Coraline. In a cruel twist of fate, that movie was promoted as a new film from the director who brought you The Nightmare Before Christmas, which by then you heard as Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas. So the few people who did show up to Selick’s failed follow-up were probably only there because they thought it was directed by Burton. Ouch.

  4. GEORGE HARRISON’S GUITAR DIDN’T WEEP ON “WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS”

  No one’s denying George Harrison’s talent. He wrote some of the Beatles’ most famous songs while vying for album space against two of the greatest pop songwriters of all time. (If you’re too young to know who we’re referring to, go ask your parents, and be sure to tell them your upbringing was an abject failure.) But of all his accomplishments, George is probably best known for his classic cut “While My Guitar Gently Weeps,” featuring a searing and wailing guitar solo that fully realizes the promise of the song’s evocative title and that was laid down by George Harrison’s best friend, Eric Clapton, and not by Harrison.

  Why didn’t you know that?

  “While My Best Friend Eric Clapton’s Guitar Gently Weeps” just didn’t have the right cadence to it. The Beatles weren’t touring at the time and no one was making music videos, so it’s not like you could see George not playing the part. Also, the Beatles were never very into liner notes, which is why everyone from Clapton to Billy Preston to the old guy who repairs guitars at your town’s music shop has been called the fifth Beatle at some point.

  3. JOHN F. KENNEDY DID NOT WRITE PROFILES IN COURAGE

  Much of Kennedy’s presidency remains debated by modern historians. Some praise him as a president whose charisma and vision inspired a generation to public service and led the charge to the moon. Others claim that if you put him in a room with Marilyn Monroe, obscene amounts of pain medication, and a horribly planned Cuban invasion, Kennedy wouldn’t be able to decide which one to do first. But what everyone seems to agree on is that Profiles in Courage, the book Kennedy won the Pulitzer Prize for, is a damn fine read. Profiles examined the bold decisions of eight U.S. senators and brought Kennedy the national attention and respect that was instrumental in building momentum for his presidential run.


  What’s not as clear is how instrumental Kennedy was in actually writing it. Although odds are good that Kennedy read the book, credible evidence indicates that Kennedy’s speechwriter, Ted Sorenson, wrote the majority of it. In 2008, Sorenson claimed in his autobiography that he “did a first draft of most chapters,” and “helped choose the words of many of its sentences.” In literary circles this is known as “writing the book.”

  Why didn’t you know that?

  People tend to assume you’ve written something after you’ve won a Pulitzer Prize for it. Also, Kennedy allegedly paid Sorenson more than half the book’s royalties from its first five years in print, which is probably why it took Sorenson fifty years to blow the whistle. And lastly, Kennedy was probably too busy dragging soldiers out of sinking ships with his teeth like a goddamned rescue dog and inventing a cure for headaches that nine out of ten doctors agree is a hell of a lot more fun than aspirin (see page 207).

  2. BARRY MANILOW DID NOT WRITE “I WRITE THE SONGS”

  Although he put together a string of pop hits in the 1970s, Barry Manilow is perhaps best known for his 1975 signature song “I Write the Songs,” which topped Billboard’s charts for two weeks and won Manilow a Grammy for Song of the Year. In it, Manilow sings:

  I write the songs that make the whole world sing.

  I write the songs, I write the songs.

  A little misleading since those words were written by Bruce Johnston of the Beach Boys. In fact, Manilow wasn’t even the first person to cover it.

  Manilow wrote a lot of his own songs, just none of the ones you’ve ever heard before. “Tryin’ to Get the Feeling Again,” “Weekend in New England,” “Looks Like We Made It,” “Can’t Smile Without You,” and “Ready to Take a Chance Again” were all written by other people. He did turn a cover of the UK hit “Brandy” into a U.S. hit called “Mandy,” a change that probably required some writing, or at least the use of a pen.

  It was legendary Arista Records exec Clive Davis who pushed Manilow to cover “I Write the Songs.” So a more accurate chorus would be, “I sing the song that Clive Davis tells me to.”

  Why didn’t you know that?

  Quite simply, he’s ugly. Most people assume Manilow was a hit-writing machine because in the looks department, he’s a passable girlfriend for your bookish aunt who wears Sally Jessy Raphael glasses. At best.

  1. ORSON WELLES DID NOT WRITE CITIZEN KANE

  Citizen Kane, the fictionalized account of publisher William Randolph Hearst’s life, is often referred to as the greatest film ever made. To say it’s Orson Welles’s signature work is an understatement. It’s like the Citizen Kane of understatements. Film geeks speak of the film with biblical reverence, and non- film geeks know better than to question them. It’s one of the great achievements in American popular art, and most assume Welles conceived and birthed it whole after a night of hermaphroditic self-love.

  Which is odd, since even according to the movie credits Welles is the secondary author to screenwriting veteran Herman Mankiewicz. In fact, the few people alive who still give a shit think that Welles’s contributions to the script were minimal. Rita Alexander, who took Mankiewicz’s dictation for the script, was quoted as saying that Welles did not write or dictate one line of the script. Furthermore, film critic David Thomson, author of a book about the film, has said that “no one can now deny Herman Mankiewicz credit for the germ, shape, and pointed language of the screenplay.”

  Why didn’t you know that?

  Because it turns out that Welles was kind of a dick. He wanted the world to think he was a one-stop, all-purpose, filmmaking wunderkind. The RKO-produced program handed out at the movie’s premiere read: “the one-man band, directing, acting, and writing.” Also, in an interview that occurred while writing credit disputes were ongoing, Welles was quoted as saying, “I wrote Citizen Kane.”

  And although Welles claimed that he intended to credit Mankiewicz all along, Mankiewicz had to complain to the Screen Writers Guild, which then insisted that Mankiewicz be given top billing. Mankiewicz also claimed that Welles offered him ten thousand dollars to let him say he wrote it all himself. So if you didn’t know, it’s probably because Welles wanted it that way. And for those of you keeping score, we also have it on good authority that Welles did not write his own dialogue for his appearance in The Muppet Movie.

  SIX TERRIFYING THINGS THEY DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT CHILDBIRTH

  YOU know what’s scarier than death? Birth. Anyone considering procreation should know that there are some things about childbirth they’re not telling you. Disgusting, horrifying things.

  6. THE CARNAGE

  Many births involve a procedure called an episiotomy, which comes from the Greek word epison, meaning “pubic region,” and the suffix -tomy, which apparently means “to cut the living shit out of.”

  In an episiotomy, a scalpel is used to artificially enlarge the vagina.

  Why would the doctor want to do such a thing? Why, to keep it from tearing, of course. To the layman, this might seem like starting a knife fight to prevent a shoving match. But that’s only because the layman hasn’t seen the other option: Try to imagine Barney the dinosaur getting into his car by climbing in through the exhaust pipe. Well, without some controlled cutting, childbirth can be just like that but in reverse. And with blood. And instead of an exhaust pipe, it’s a vagina.

  Yeah, just like that.

  5. THE FECES

  Not even the most terrifying clips of poo porn on the Internet could prepare you for childbirth. We’ll spare most of the smelly details, but rest assured that after the birth experience your view of poop will never be the same.

  First off, the mom-to-be is probably going to take a rather sizable dump right in the hospital bed. Yeah, Hollywood tends to leave that part out.

  Apparently, passing an eight-pound canned ham through your hooha has a tendency to compress the intestine and push any fecal material it’s holding out of the body. Thanks to a local anesthetic, Mom may not even know it happened, which means the lucky father-to-be gets to explain why the ten people in the room all just threw up in their mouths.

  Secondly, the baby is gonna crap too. That isn’t news. Baby shit yellow is one of the most popular colors of the new Chevy Camaro. Oddly, that same color is not an option available for the baby’s first duke. For the first few days the baby’s bowel movements will be black and have the consistency of fresh roofing tar—and will be approximately as easy to clean up.

  To put it in perspective: Have you ever spent a night drinking cheap beer, only to wake up with a headache and a serious case of black diarrhea? It’s a lot like that. Which begs the question, How did the baby get Budweiser in the womb? The answer of course is: Through the umbilical cord. Duh!

  4. THE PLACENTA

  Picture a vagina blowing a meat bubble. Now imagine someone surgically attaching that meat bubble to a newborn via a pulsating sausage casing.

  Webster’s defines the placenta as “the organ in most mammals, formed in the lining of the uterus … that provides for the nourishment of the fetus and the elimination of its waste products.”

  Urban Dictionary would probably describe it as “the lumpy, blood-soaked terror that comes out after the baby and will visit you in your nightmares for years to come.”

  The upside of witnessing the birth of a placenta is that the image it burns into your soul will make you thankful for the six sex-free weeks you have ahead of you. The downside is that you will forever wonder if your baby had a previously unnoticed twin who could have made you a fortune as the star of untold numbers of B horror films.

  3. THE ALIEN-SHAPED HEADS

  By alien, we don’t mean the guys you picked up at the Home Depot to help deliver the baby. We mean the Sigourney Weaver-fighting kind (whose infamous chest bursting birth scene, incidentally, is the only thing most expectant fathers have to prepare them for the act of childbirth).

  As it turns out, babies’ heads are soft and don’t become hard until
months or years after they’re born. This explains why you don’t usually see them at college parties, crushing beer cans with their foreheads.

  Either way, having a soft skull comes in handy when you’re trying to be born without killing your mother in the process. Unfortunately, their heads don’t instantly regain their shape once they pop out, so your offspring will spend a day or two looking like a misshapen blob of ugly before you can safely take it out in public to go hat shopping.

  2. THE FETAL MONITORING

  If the doctor feels that your baby is at risk of anything (juvenile diabetes, low birth weight, high birth weight, medium birth weight), or if he just feels that he can charge you more, he may elect to hook up a fetal monitor. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? Well, that’s because fetal monitor is a nice way of saying “a twisted metal thingy with wires coming out of it that we’re going to screw directly into your unborn baby’s head.”

  Now, the fetal monitor itself isn’t all that scary looking. But the fact that they jam it into the baby’s soft spot while he or she is still in the womb, and leave it inside the skull until after the baby comes out, should bring back vivid memories of when that baby gets hooked up to the Matrix in the first movie.

  Couple that with the fact that a baby’s heart slows way down during every contraction, which sets off a little alarm on the monitor similar to the one that goes off when a patient flatlines on Scrubs, and you may find that you have shit your pants before the kid is even out. Don’t feel bad though. Like we said, there is a lot of pooping going on at this point, so if you do let one slide, just motion toward the mother when she isn’t looking and plug your nose as if to say, “Yeah, I smell it too. It was her.”